Ask Campus Chick

Dear Campus Chick,

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 5 years and we've experienced sex many times.

I don't always orgasm and I know that is normal, but I want to know how if there is a way to orgasm faster without clitoral stimulation or using anything other than his penis and my vagina. I am not sure if there is a possible answer for this question, but it keeps getting harder and harder for me to orgasm.

Anxious Annie, Senior NIU

Dear Anxious,

What makes someone orgasm?

We certainly have the extremes from women (like me : p ) who say they can orgasm just by thinking about a hot passionate love scene, to women who can reach orgasm only after hours of touching and stimulation - maybe.

Most of us fall somewhere in between. For most women, it is stimulation of the clitoral area - whether indirectly through intercourse or more directly by someone actually touching the area. I am wondering if you might find it helpful to have either you or your partner stimulate this area during intercourse. Possibly changing positions so it is easier to reach (for example, some people prefer "doggie style" to make it easier for her to stimulate her own clitoris).

I also think this may be a good time to invest in a good vibrator and bring this into the bedroom with you and making this a threesome so to speak. I recommend a video called, Toys for Better Sex, that may offer you some ideas beyond using a vibrator to stimulate both you and your partner. I am not saying all this because I want you to be able to reach orgasm faster, in fact, I think taking separate turns with your partner, where you each enjoy an orgasm at your own pace, is probably better and much more relaxing than feeling pressured to hurry up and have one. So maybe talking with your partner a bit more about this would be useful.

Finally, I do not want to overlook the fact that you also brought up the issue of how long you have been in your relationship and I wonder if you have found that over time - over your 5 years together - your sex life together has gotten a bit "stale," which is not uncommon, and if so, that will take a bit of creativity on both your parts to bring the spark, passion, and surprise back into the relationship!

CRUSHED!

Crushes can turn up at any time and reduce you to a nervous wreck. Here's how to cope.

Just a crush, what do you mean?

Crushes are addictive - they make life exciting, and give you hope and focus. This is why we let ourselves make the same mistakes over and over again, it is the thrill of the chase, except it is often more of a loiter!

Here are just some of the symptoms:

• You love them yet you don't even know them
• All you can think about is them and what if...
• You've planned your whole future
• You follow them round like a puppy on your lunch break
• You go red whenever you see them
• You lose the power of speech and co-ordination in their presence
• Butterflies in your stomach
• Pounding heart
• You stammer/stutter something like "have you got the time?" at them
• You imagine hours of conversations with them

How to cope

Try not to tie yourself up in knots about this - you've set yourself up with a fantasy relationship, but that's all. The emotions feeding this fantasy can seem very real, but the advantage is you don't have to deal with the actual person. It's like a sexual encounter without the real-life hassles.

It is fairly unlikely to turn into reality as often crushes are formed on the unobtainable; they may be attached, a famous film star or totally unsuitable. You have to accept that this romance will never exist outside of your own head. Often, just confiding in someone you trust will help you get things in perspective.

If things get too intense try to limit your time spent in their company. In time, you'll get a grip on this fantasy, and see it as a learning experience about some powerful emotions. If anything, it'll work in your favour when it comes to dealing with real life, realistic relationships.

Unobtainable crushes can hurt like hell - the object of your affection may walk past like you don't even exist or, perhaps worse, notice your drooling and laugh about you with all their mates. If this happens, deal with the rejection - treat yourself, see your mates or curl up at home with a DVD of your choice.

On the practical side, try to fill the time you would otherwise spend thinking about your crush. Plan your day. Promise yourself some crush-free time, and set up a reward afterwards. Once you've defined the boundaries, a crush like this can be a positive experience. One that can set you up to deal with the emotional side of future, more realistic relationships.